Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.