Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
💯😂
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
The human personality is made of five key elements
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.