Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.