Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Lmao
