Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
No, he would not have.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
new record!
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.