Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*