Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Any refunds available?…
“I FIXED IT!”
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
So many people to disappoint, so little time
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.