Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every college guy’s fridge

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

2023 was just a warmup

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.