Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
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Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉