Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
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From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Go gym
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.