Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Happy Caturday!

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision