Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
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Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Good morning
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.