Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”