Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what