Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair