Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT