Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

Canadian owl: Eh?

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

No point crayon over spilled milk.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.