Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
2023 was just a warmup
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.