Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Phones down.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid