Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.