Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

😂🍻

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.