*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing