*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Oh my God.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I’m not wrong
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.