The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
What the hell happened here.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.