*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
You Might Also Like
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Happy Thanksgiving
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip