Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Drive like no one is watching.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

◾️

Saw online –

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

placebo pills? more like sike meds

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

All right then, keep your secrets

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.