[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
You Might Also Like
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Just so funny
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Oh thanks BBC.
