Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

😂🐾

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Ugh but profoundly

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?