Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.