*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
This is my favorite one of these!
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?