Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Shoo shoo! 😂

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

new wife guy just dropped

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.