*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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Good morning y’all ☀️
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.