*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Think I pulled my liver
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.