*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
A family that plays together cheats.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.