Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

“FRAAANCE!”

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche