*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 馃馃槀
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I鈥檓 pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you鈥檙e not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 馃槨馃槨
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we鈥檒l invent another one.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I鈥檝e decided today I鈥檓 following the lead of my 2 yr old and I鈥檓 just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I鈥檓 amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn鈥檛 even wearing underwear before I went out
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Thought I鈥檇 surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I鈥檓 even more annoying in closed captions.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Me: I鈥檇 like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.