*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
men, we mow at sunrise.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I hope Alan is OK