*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.