*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.