*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!