Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.