Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house