[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
🙀🙀🙀😹
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Okay
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”