(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My Sentiments Exactly
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes