(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
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I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
plant them where lol
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
