[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*
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What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Stick a fork in me so you know just how done we are
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.
Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.