@jazmasta

*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*

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@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

@danozzi

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

@Steelers1972

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

@KnownComment

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

@dumbbeezie

How to handle a one night stand the next morning

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@3sunzzz

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

@donni

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

@pilau

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

@johnistoasted

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all