Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
😍😂🥰😂😍
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao