@jazmasta

*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*

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@mess_of_petals

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

@Lisabug74

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

@murrman5

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

@GayAtHomeDad

If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.

@Gooooats

Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

@ThisLocalHater

Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?

@KateWhineHall

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

@murderbytweets

In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.