Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*
You Might Also Like
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Three things that are certain in life~
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
How to handle a one night stand the next morning
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all