Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?