[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie