Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy