Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

🤣

Glasses

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”