Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written