*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
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He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories