*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic


1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!


ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water


Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*


Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.


I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend


Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*


“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once