@good_one_rick

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

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@Reverend_Scott

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

@tazsme

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

@SCbchbum

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

@pilau

My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday

@mynameisntdave

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

@AristotlesNZ

Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”

@robfee

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic