*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
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kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word