*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
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MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank