Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?

“Queuecumbers”.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.