[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
beware of dog
(jukin media)