Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Covid like

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”