@HomeWithPeanut

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

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@jdforshort

Green smoothies because who has the time or energy to chew 17 cups of spinach/lettuce/kale

@Sarcasticsapien

Cinderella is my favorite story about women who fight over a man who doesn’t even remember what a woman he spent the night with looks like.

@fro_vo

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

@evanR39

Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)

@GuyConfused

I don’t mind meeting her parents. It’s her husband I have always been avoiding.

@tiffstevenson

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

@Brampersandon_

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

@Sassafrantz

Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]

“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”

@ronnui_

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.