[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
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My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
🤣😂
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.