Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

emergency phone

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan