*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.