Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day