Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
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think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
me refusing to leave twitter
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.