Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
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If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
*names my little horse OneTrick*
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.