Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
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the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope