Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.