Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

それは草

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”